I promised myself to read the whole of the new testament bible in one whole month, which i did exactly, i was so elated and proud of my small brain(as if i did not jump some boring chapters).
After that i jumped abi na bounced to my wife house Tina, in my stupid brain i taught we had married already, i was always forming macho dude and bodyguard.
Tina was also a pastor’s daughter, our overseer daughter to be precise, we were in the same class and area, we always act husband and wife in our kiddies drama. She had two elder brothers who never stop to amaze me with their wonderful acts, one of those was bringing smoke out of their mouths during the hamattan period, what confused me was that no matter how i tried smoke never came out of mine,
“May be its because am small that’s why” i always comfort my self. Another thing was their ability to whistle(to make a bird like sound with their mouths). Thats an issue for another day.
That fateful day, i took Tina for a walk and started bragging when i saw a dog house, with little puppies in it.
“Me i go fit go touch those dogs o” i said proudly as a real Akwa ibom man.
“Me am afraid of dogs o but go touch am make i see”she urged me on.
I walked boldly to the dog house feeling like a king cus my wife dey my back, nothing happened until i got near the cage and started playing with the dogs then i heard a sound that made my heart stop for 23seconds.
“Uuurghhh” i don die today………..
So are you still wondering what happened in the concluding part of my last post, i go yarn una, don’t worry.
we all sat down and the program writings came up and the presenter started speaking:
“Good day listeners, this the program ‘kiddies time’ and today with me here are the children of Ecwa primary school, Dadin kowa, they are going to be introducing their selves starting from you over there(pointing to me)”.
“My name is uduak peter” i dryly answered, that moment the whole house looked at me with pride in their eyes and they were hailing me.
In my mind i said, just watch the program finish na, una tongue go dry with yabbing me.
After all the introductions of names, the presenter ask the first question…… Just then. Oh God Nepa una don fuck up everyone cried out apart from me who was so excited and an idea came into my mind.
“Make una no worry, i go tell una wetin happen all”, i started forming the questions we were asked and bringing out the answers, if i answer anyone i would say, it was i that answered it in the studio and they were all foolishly hailing me.
By 4:25pm, nepa brought back the light and we quickly rearranged and put on our ‘president’ black and white TV in time to hear the presenter say
“thank you all for your viewing pleasure” we wish you have learnt alot from this our children this evening. Stay tuned till next time. Thank you.
Nepa had saved my arse that day.
It seems that the whole
metropolis did not have light the same time ours was interrupted, so our group were called the next day to the assembly ground to present everything to the school.
I thundered everybody down by answering almost all the questions, which made me a local hero among my teachers and other students.
If that it was the time i started using twitter and facebook, i would have gotten alot of friend request and followers, because before that school day was over i had gathered alot of friends, and i had alot of love letters. Lol.
I did not care about any of the girls because i just talk to the most beautiful of them….Tina
“Ehen back to my dog tales”
During my dog hunting, i excitedly forgot everything apart from showing my non-fear of dogs to my babe, when i heard…
Urghh at my back, when i turned my so call babe had disappear. My new babes were four huge female police dogs.
‘chai i don die today’, but as a real calabar man i decided to test my Usain Bolt speed.
‘i don die o, help me oh’ I screamed, running like a mad man. Before i spell google i was on the ground dragged by the mean looking dogs. I started praying my last prayer.
‘Jack,lion,prince,baggie’ stop that nonsense’
‘So heaven get names sef abi God dey call His bodyguards’ i taught.
‘Hope you were not bitten’ a humanly voice interrupted my heavenly journey. That was when i felt a sharp pain on my bottom. I started crying like a new born baby.
According to stories i heard from grown up people, if one is bitten by a mad dog that person must become mad, so when i saw it was a police dog i felt that i was going to be a police in future.
‘Sorry o’ the woman chipped in, she then called her daughter to take me to a hospital nearby where i was giving some antibiotics(an injection given to someone to prevent infection) and then i was taken to the woman’s house where i was given a big plate of rice, plantain and two big chicken meat.
‘mehn if na so i go dey enjoy God make dog dey bite me everyday’ i foolishly prayed. Maybe its because my people are dog eaters thats why the dog wanted to eat me first, though i have never eaten dog meat or will i ever eat, well thats left for God to decide.
‘why you leave me run na’ i queried my run away wife.
‘you no see as the dogs big’ she replied. I went home sulking.
‘Oya sleep o today na night vigil’ my sister told us. What i love most about the vigils was that we always make alot of noise, play and tell stories and we also get to dance alot and then find place to sleep immediately the pastor starts with his boring messages.
So that day we all ran to sleep as if that would prevent us from sleeping that night. We all woke up and went to church, we met our friends and started our children gossip.
‘who don watch cinderella’ paul, tina’s elder brother asked us. Abeg tell us na we begged him. ‘Ok na’.
One thing with Paul was that anything he said he always added the word ‘bah’.
‘there was one girl name cinderella, if you see that girl bah, she fine well well, but she na orphan, she get two ugly sisters, so una don dey sleep bah’
‘No we still dey hear you’ we would urge him on.
After the long story filled with ‘bahs’ ended, we went out to play and then i saw what made my love abi infatuation for tina almost ended….
‘Oya make una dey come inside, church wan start an usher called us, we all went in, during the praise section i went outside to ease myself, when i turned i almost died with shock. She was standing behind me waiting.
“wetin you want?”i ask her.
‘i just came to ask you to be my friend’
‘Is that all, i foolishly asked with my mind beating excitedly like kukere drum beat’
‘yes’ she smiled but i want you to seal our friendship with a kiss.
Mehn i have die, i said in my mind. She brought her lips close and what i saw felt next was like a heavenly background with Angel Michael playing a tambourine for us.
“you all might be wondering who ‘she’ is, well she is not tina but a damsel more lovelier than her”.
Lets wait and see………