As i went home that morning, i laughed at all the threats Madam Philo made. She had said i would run mad by the end of yesterday but there was I, the beautiful Maria, all healthy and fit with over 100 Euros in her pocket.
Despite her threats, i had decided to send her the money i made from Stefano. I wanted to make her relax down there in Castel. I knew that all she wanted was money. She had demonstrated that in many occasions. I would be sending her money occasionally and would be able to ask her to be writing them down somewhere. That was one of the advantages of my freedom. Back in Castel Volturno, i was scared to ask Madam Philo how much money i had given her. It was a topic i avoided like a live snake. I had a feeling that the moment i asked for such information, i would receive more hatred and beatings. But up there in Milan, i was going to ask her to tell me how much money i had paid so far.
I on my side was even silly enough not to have been recording it as well. It was something i should have been doing in secret.
All i wanted was the freedom and control. I was deeply under pressure when i was required to return with money every day. But in Milan, i knew that wasn’t going to be the case. If she dared to come up there for me, she would find out that i had taken asylum and had the power to fight her back even in the streets.
I got home around 8am and pressed the door bell. Jacob opened and stood aside for me to enter.
“Where did you go last night?” Jacob had asked as soon as he opened the door.
“Business” I said.
“Why didn’t you pick my calls Maria?” He continued.
“I was busy” I said.
I had decided to answer his questions out of respect. But i was also waiting for him to make a wrong move and it would be goodbye.
“Look Jacob, i want to make this very easy for you but you seem not to understand. If i go and get my own apartment, you will be a visitor whenever you come there. Now that i am here, you want to control me the way you Igbo men control their wives. The difference here is that i am not your wife. We are not married. Even if we are going to get married, its not now Jacob. Marriage costs money, money that you dont have at the moment. Marriage requires that you go and visit my people in Nigeria, something that is beyond you at the moment. If you think i am going to start having children for you at my age without proper marriage rites, you better think twice because that’s not going to happen. And please if you are going to be monitoring me this way, i will leave. Dont try to stop or beg me” I said and out of anger, headed for my bag.
As i grabbed my small bag, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t try to stop me. He just stood there and watched as i opened the door and walked out of his life.
I didn’t think i did the right thing. I had no plans where to go before i left out of anger. But the advantage i had was that i was a girl, a young girl. I was going to be picked up in the street by a man sooner Or later.
I also felt that i treated Jacob bad but thinking about it, i knew what his plans were.
He just wanted to live with me with the hope of getting me into the family way. No matter how much we were going to be careful, we would definitely get drunk one day and forget ourselves and sleep without protection. I would get pregnant and be presented with only two choices; two bad and dangerous choices.
Give birth to the kid or get it aborted.
Abortion was more dangerous of the two. First after doing it, you begin to live with guilt that won’t go away until you die. We were all religiously indocrtinated as children and that made us to see certain things as sins against God and humanity.
Secondly the process could damage your womb or something different. All in all, abortion was a no no for me. I had tried everything possible to avoid getting pregnant and i succeeded up until then. No matter what Jacob did for me, i wasn’t going to carry his baby in my stomach at that time. We both had no papers and jobs. If we ventured into that system, our children were going to face the same discrimination that was tearing us apart in Italy.
On the issue of giving birth to a child, it wasn’t such a bad thing in the general context of life. However, it was a very bad thing in the context of my situation in Italy.
Irrespective of my disagreements with Madam Philo, i still wanted to pay her some significant amount of money. I was never an ingrate. She made sure i was released from prison back in Libya. If she was all that wicked, she could have chosen to abandon me there and the truth was that nobody in my family was going to be able to fight her. I planned to give her some big money, big enough to cover her expenses on me and give her some profits too since I was a business venture for her.
But the moment Jacob’s plans manifested and he gets me pregnant, all my plans would collapse. I would then begin to depend on him for food and money. Sooner or later, he would start to abuse me for asking for too much this or that. He would forget how he begged me and promised to take care of me if i agreed to marry him.
It was all in the nature of black man. They all see women as objects to create children and nothing else. I used to believe in such rubbish too until i came to Europe and saw how things were done. I saw how white couples managed their lives. The responsibility of carrying the baby was on the men. Men did most of the home works for their women. They pampered these special creatures that carried their babies for months.
But back where i came from, it was the other way round. The black women did the whole home work and they even got beaten up occasionally. They would carry the babies on their backs and cooked, washed, swept and went to the market.
This was what Mr Jacob wanted me to do at the age of 19, that was never going to happen and the best way to make sure it didn’t happen was just to pick my bag and leave his place.
That was why i left.
Written For http://www.globalruns.com